WHEREAS, McDonald's and Starbucks are rolling out new coffee products ("McCafe" espresso drinks and "Pike Place Roast" drip coffee, respectively), and;

WHEREAS, no Seattleite has ever refused a free cuppa jasper unless he's some kind of hippie, and;

WHEREAS, a Seattleite's love of coffee is equaled by his mistrust of corporate benevolence, and;

WHEREAS, if McDonald's and Starbucks really wanted to impress us, they'd make the Shamrock Shake available year-round and/or buy back the Sonics, and;

WHEREAS, McDonald's and Starbucks are offering free samples of their caffeinated rotgut Friday, April 11;

THEREFORE, LET IT BE RESOLVED that Friday, April 11, is Spit-Take Day in the great city of Seattle.

Here's the procedure. Tomorrow, we shall go to our local McDonald's for "Free Latte Friday" and/or to Westlake Mall for a free sampler of Starbucks' Pike Place Roast. We will graciously accept the beverage, ask how much we owe for the taste and quickly take a sip. When the person who handed us the coffee says, "Oh, it's free," we will turn our heads to the side, expunge the liquid in a fine spray* and choke out, "WHAT?!"

Afterwards, we'll meet at Caffe Ladro and compare notes.

*In the name of legality and public decency, I should say that doing such a thing would possibly be in violation of local statutes and would definitely be in the worst possible taste. However, there are no legal or societal restrictions against acting out the above-described tableau in your own yard and uploading it to YouTube, as the gentlemen and mammals in this clip have done. Anyway, they're giving out free coffee Friday.

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