Head to Portland for a weekend pub pedal

Two things reign supreme in our sister city to the south: beer and bicycles. Portlanders are cuckoo for craft beer, and they might be equally fanatical about their bikes. It's completely foreign to me, considering my beer of choice is Pabst and I'm too much of a wuss to ride a bike in Seattle.

But when in Rome ... So I embarked on a brewery/pub crawl in the land of beer and roses, ready to find out what all the fuss was about. And if there were some stops to see naked ladies and eat bacon doughnuts along the way, then I was ready to believe I'd found, as Portlanders say, beervana.

Get there and shack up
Amtrak it: Per usual, I took the train instead of slapping myself silly and singing along to horrible country music on the long drive down I-5.

Check in: I love staying at the Jupiter Hotel (800 E. Burnside St.). If Seattle had a hotel like this, you know we'd be too cool to enjoy it. Staffers seem to let anything go, within reason. You can get a tattoo and see a concert there, but please refrain from roasting a goat in your room. And for pub-crawl purposes, it's perfectly located.

Get your wheels: Next door to the Jupiter you can rent a cruiser from City Bikes. It made me feel like I was becoming one of them -- the bicycle people. I even experienced bike envy when joined by my best friend and her sweet rockabilly cruiser, called a Red Betty. It purrs.

Get oriented
Hurry up! I predict the citizens of Portland will soon throw their dry pint glasses to the ground and shake their fists to the heavens: There is about to be a significant nationwide hops shortage, which could lead to higher prices for craft beers. Gas prices going up -- that sucks. Beer prices going up -- that's just un-American. Since Portland has the largest craft-beer market in the U.S., I suggest you go now, while there's still hope!

Don't get overwhelmed: I decided not to try to find the best beer. I was simply drawn to the idea of a casual afternoon and good conversation. And I didn't have to look hard or go far to find some exceptionally helpful beer enthusiasts -- i.e., everyone. I was even invited over to a house party to taste the release of a guy named Scott's home-brewed barleywine. These people are nuts.

Pack up
Safety first: Take cash, wear a helmet, don't go too far, get back to home base by dark and, for the love of Pete, please pace your drinking.

Start pedaling
1. The Roadside Attraction
1000 S.E. 12th Ave.
It's like someone's Zen-funky backyard, and perfect for a sunny day. Or a rainy day, because it has cozy, covered outdoor nooks. Final verdict: Sunshine, golden beer and raindrops make for a perfect start.

2. Basement Pub
1028 S.E. 12th Ave.
Practically next door to -- and polar opposite from -- the Roadside. There are smokers, Scrabble and regulars just hanging out. It scores extra points for bike parts decorating the walls. Final verdict: Friendly folks, but lack of atmosphere makes it a short stop.

3. The Green Dragon
928 S.E. Ninth Ave.
So many beers to choose from, so little time. I'm excited to try a lager from the soon-to-open bike-themed Hopworks Brewery. I'm more excited that there's a distillery on-site brewing Lovejoy vodka, gin and -- if rumor is true -- absinthe. Final verdict: Makes me wish I was on a craft-booze crawl.

4. The Grand Central Bowl
839 S.E. Morrison St.
Newly remodeled and enforcing a dress code, this place is the anti-laid-back. If I had an SUV, I'd feel like I belonged. Final verdict: Not for bike pub crawlers.

5. Morrison Hotel
719 S.E. Morrison St.
I'm in way over my head, staring at a list that's about 150 beers long. Of all the beers I've sampled, I know true love has paid my taste buds a visit when I try Rodenbach and begin using words like "complex" and "fruity." Final verdict: Dive into the deep end with the other beer junkies.

6. Roots Organic Brewery
1520 SE 7th Ave.
Its claim to fame is organic beer, and Roots does it well. The cream ale goes best with bowls of goldfish crackers. The Festivus Winter Ale, while popular with locals, is not for the "rest of us." Final verdict: Simple, no-sass beer tasting.

7. Speakeasy Tavern
609 1/2 S.E. Taylor St.
If you need a little distance from all this fuss about beer, find the hidden Speakeasy and its crusty cast of regulars. It's a well-rounded dive, complete with shuffleboard and video poker. Like every place we visit, it has a bank of bikes outside. Final verdict: Fit it in if you need a beer break.

8. Lucky Lab Brewery
915 S.E. Hawthorne Blvd.
Stick to the dog-friendly porch, because inside is sort of bright at this point in the crawl (and full of merchandise). Try the tasting board, which actually is a tasting paddle. After many, many beers, the paddle is silly. Final verdict: The Pavlov's Russian Imperial Stout and the drooling dogs make this a nice finish to an afternoon crawl.

9. The East Burn
1800 E. Burnside St.
OK, one more spot on the way back to the Jupiter. My favorite new bar has a back porch full of swings and a perfect rec room in the basement. Skee-Ball and slot cars without a crazy downtown crowd are the best way to end a long day. And it's a straight shot back to the hotel.

Have a snack
Go nuts for doughnuts: Over the bridge from the Jupiter is the weirdest, most perfect doughnut shop ever, Voodoo Doughnut and Wedding Chapel (22 S.W. Third Ave.). The bacon-covered maple bar is a gift straight from heaven. I was joined by many young lads and lasses in wedding dresses on their own pub crawl.

Deep-fried fun: I'm not a big wing fan, but at Fire on the Mountain (1708 E. Burnside St.), I'll shell out for the spendy little delicacies. The deep-fried Oreos are even tastier.

Try something else
Take them up on it: Diverge from your pub crawl and visit old-school strip club Mary's Club (129 S.W. Broadway) in the afternoon -- just because you can. Located near the Jupiter is Union Jack's (938 E. Burnside St.). The theme is Suicide Girls with circus skills. Bikes, beer, churches and strip clubs: these are Portland's claims to fame. I suggest you fit in at least three on your trip.

Platforms not required: You can join in on the fun by taking a pole-dancing class in the beautiful and swanky new Ecdysiast Studio (326 S.E. Madison St.) opened by two dancers from Union Jack's. Instead of beer, try one of its short "taster" classes.

Ms. Pac-Man break: Hit Ground Kontrol Classic Arcade (511 NW Couch St.) for a couple hours of retro gaming. DJs spin at events such as Saturday night's Reagonomix. Wear a cropped sweatshirt if you dare!

Head home
Take in a show or chill at the bar at the Doug Fir Lounge in the Jupiter Hotel. Or head to bed. It's been a long day.

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